Finally, it is Christmas Eve. I’ve been toiling for months and months organizing my plan. The sensors and cameras are all set. You see, I’m setting a trap. Don’t worry, it’s not the type of trap set for bears or rats. No, this trap is more of the Candid Camera kind.
You might ask why I would go to so much trouble. The reason is simple—Santa Claus has a secret, and I plan on discovering the truth. I confess this is not my first time attempting the great discovery, but I plan on it being the last.
Throughout the years people all over the world have marveled at the methods and madness of the world’s great magicians. After all, how did Houdini do it? Did David Copperfield really make the Statue of Liberty disappear?
We question and examine the methods of these famous names, but for some reason no one ever questions the powers of Santa Claus.
Skepticism prevents me from believing that Houdini and Copperfield really had magical powers. I am confident they used science to create their fiction.
Likewise, I can’t believe that Santa Claus really has magical powers. I admit that what Santa accomplishes every Christmas Eve appears like magic, but it’s not. Magic doesn’t exist. And if magic doesn’t exist, there must be another explanation—a scientific explanation.
I turn to the scientific method for my investigation. My hypothesis may seem a bit shocking, but I plan to prove that Santa Claus is an alien. I will prove through collected data that Santa is not using magic at all. No, good ole St. Nick is using advanced technology and his alien biology to deliver Christmas to humans across the planet.
Jolly old elf indeed. Santa Claus is an alien.
Unfortunately I can’t reveal all the details of my well thought out scheme lest Santa’s little helpers foil my plans once again. What follows are a few brief details of my elaborate investigation.
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.
Clearly this observation is evidence of advanced technology. Let’s unpack the details.
Santa is exhibiting the ability to fly or levitate. Some documented aliens like Superman have been known to fly, but I don’t think that is the case here. The finger on the side of his nose and the nod of his head clearly indicate some type of activation. Possibly he has an activation switch for an anti-gravity belt. (See pictures of the large black belt he wears.)
Actions: Photograph Santa levitating/flying. Measure the gravity field around his person. Determine if there is a variance in the magnetic fields around him. Extreme measures would include, attempting to sample Santa’s famous black anti-gravity belt.
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound:
Chimneys come in all different sizes, but the average chimney pipes down to a twelve inch diameter or better. A small contortionist might be able to squeeze through such a space given time and grease, but our bright and merry delivery man possesses a little round belly.
Through my investigation, I expect to discover that Saint Nick has the biological ability to collapse his bone structure into a more amorphous shape. Mice and cockroaches always seem to be able to squeeze through small openings. Perhaps he shares qualities with them, or maybe he can unhinge his bones to squeeze through the smaller space.
Actions: Photograph Santa transforming his body shape into a size suitable for moving up the chimney. Leave milk and cookies for his sampling. Collect DNA samples from the remaining snack. Compare Santa DNA to human DNA.
He sees you when you’re sleeping
He knows when you’re awake
He knows if you’ve been bad or good
Santa is clearly collecting intelligence on all humans. The sheer volume of data collection indicates an elaborate and far reaching surveillance system. I’ve spent many hours searching my home for surveillance equipment, but I have never found any. This leads me to the conclusion that Santa is conducting remote detection.
It is possible that Santa has created a stealth network of alien satellites in orbit around Earth, allowing him to keep tabs on every human, even in the most technology starved corners of Antarctica. The processing of all the data would require vast amounts of computing power. Most likely this is processed by an advanced artificial intelligence or by his army of little helpers.
Beyond the physical observation, I suspect there is another layer to the Santa Claus surveillance. I expect to discover that Santa Claus has telepathic powers. These are most likely the result of his alien biology. How else could he know if we have been naughty or nice?
Actions: Wire the entire area around the chimney and Christmas tree with remote sensors. The sensors will be tuned to capture a wide spectrum of frequencies in an attempt detect unusual activity across differing wavelengths. Analyze data to determine pattern matching with documented brain wave activity. Determine the presence of frequency masking through the use of spread spectrum brain waves. Continue low orbit detection protocol for unregistered satellite activity.
He sprung to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew, like the down of a thistle:
We all know that reindeer can’t fly. Further evidence of advanced technology or alien biology.
These alien reindeer that Santa Claus uses to power his “sleigh” have been known to fly for centuries. The most likely explanation is technology much like the levitation belt used by Santa Claus.
The flight powers of the reindeer differ from Santa’s levitation in that they are able to achieve remarkable speeds. This is shown by their ability to reach billions of locations all across the Earth during one long night. Once I complete my calculations, I would expect to find their speed approaches that of light.
Actions: High-speed photography of the reindeer and sleigh landing on my roof. Travel time measurements between my roof and that of my neighbor. Calculate speed based on measurements. Thermal imaging to detect power sources strapped to the reindeer for flight. Blocks of sugar and salt licks placed on the roof for the reindeer to snack on while waiting for Santa Claus. Collect DNA samples. Compare “reindeer” DNA to that of actual reindeer.
With the sleigh full of Toys
A tiny sleigh has no practical method for carrying one billion toys around the globe. Most likely the toys are not all present on the sleigh at the same time. The sleigh must contain a form of replicating technology. This would be something like a 3D printer, but much more advanced.
This would allow Santa to create the toy on the spot and deliver it down the chimney. With the widespread reports of Santa’s elves making the toys, it is also possible that the toys are transported from the “North Pole” to the sleigh through some type of matter transmitter.
Scientists today are experimenting in the long distance transfer of particles, but this testing is very crude and has a long ways to go before it reaches something resembling the Star Trek transporter technology. It is possible that the advance alien technology possessed by Santa allows the elves to transport a group of gifts to the sleigh during the delivery process.
Actions: Photograph and monitor the interior of the sleigh. Determine the quantity of gifts present, compare to the estimated mass of gifts required for all deliveries. Examine molecular structure of delivered gifts. Evaluate for matter inconsistencies that may reveal instability in their current form. Measure transmission signals targeting the sleigh. Trace signals to source. Discover possible location of the North Pole.
As you can see, I have my work cut out for me. Santa has been on Earth for centuries and still manages to avoid discovery. If I’m clever enough, maybe I will be able to prove once and for all that Santa Claus is an alien.
Wait! Will my plan get me on the naughty list?